Behind the scenes at Rurouni Kenshin!
by tpgddss
Summary: If all the scenery were just cheap fakes, and the characters nicely paid. If all of Kyoto were a studio lot...what kind of a mess would be made?
1. Default Chapter

Behind the scenes at R.K.  
  
A fanfic.  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue.  
  
**************************  
  
Tae and Megumi are hanging out in the parking lot of Sony Entertainment Studios each with a cold Yebusi beer in hand. Megumi is stretched out on the backseat of her candy-apple red Corvette, wearing a pair of blue denim short-shorts, a black 'South Park' baby tee and a pair of black leather slides from Payless Shoesource. Tae is perched on the bonnet of the car in black jeans, 'adidas' sneakers and white tank top with a matching white bandanna tied over her hair. Both are looking extremely bored with life in general.  
  
  
  
TAE: Where are those guys anyway, we were supposed to start shooting twenty minutes ago!  
  
MEGUMI: (shrugs as she takes a swig) maybe they forgot.  
  
TAE: Or got toasted.  
  
MEGUMI: That too.  
  
Just then there's the sound of a motorcycle approaching the lot. Fast. Tae looks up indifferently and takes a deep swig out of her can.  
  
MEGUMI: Hm… sounds like Tsubame and Yahiko 're here.  
  
TAE: Yup.  
  
A silver and ebony Kawasaki Ninja tears into the lot at top speed with two passengers in matching white T-shirts and blue jeans on board. It screeches to a stop right in front of the red Corvette and the driver unbuckles and removes her helmet. "We made it." she says breathlessly while smoothing out her shoulder length brown hair, "are we very late?"  
  
MEGUMI: (from behind her beer-can in the back seat) No shit Sherlock.  
  
The second passenger has removed his helmet and is now rubbing a hand through his black spikes. "Where're the others?" he asks.  
  
TAE: (shrugs) I dunno, we were hoping they were with you.  
  
TSUBAME: (frowns thoughtfully) We haven't seen them all day.  
  
YAHIKO: (whips out a cell phone and starts to dial)  
  
MEGUMI: (from the back seat) we tried that already, all of their phones are off.  
  
YAHIKO: Then where the heck are they then?  
  
TSUBAME: Hmm… is Ayame here?  
  
TAE: (rueful smile) Suzume too.  
  
"BAKA!!!!!!" A juvenile voice shouts in the background. "I said I wanted Skittles in the red packet, THE RED PACKET!!!" Kerblangcrashcrashcrash!!!  
  
MEGUMI: (quietly) f***ing brat.  
  
Ayame comes out of the studio exit with her hands over her ears. "What a little monster! Tell me again why there has to be two granddaughters in the show?"  
  
TAE: (thoughtfully) Maybe we could get her killed off.  
  
MEGUMI: With what? Demon soap bubbles?  
  
TSUBAME: It's an idea…  
  
YAHIKO: Don't waste your time, she'll burn out before she's twenty anyway.  
  
Suddenly, there is the sound of music filling the entire lot. Then a loud screech as a car hits the brake… hard. A cerulean CLK Mercedes with "Kenjitsu Komachi" written on the screen pulls into the lot.  
  
KAORU: (singing off key and rather loudly) We ain't! Go-ing no-where! We ain't! Going nowhere! We can't be stopped now! This is baaaaaad girrrl town!!!  
  
SANO: (from the passenger seat) Have no fear, the Calvary's here!  
  
MEGUMI: Somebody's been watching Sesame Street re-runs again…  
  
TAE: How come she got her stupid brother on the show?  
  
TSUBAME: I dunno, he is kinda cute though…  
  
YAHIKO: Hey!!!  
  
TSUBAME: Don't worry baby, he's not my type like you are.  
  
AYAME: Where's Kenshin?  
  
KAORU: (climbing out wearing a familiar-looking black mini-dress with a mandarin collar and white piping. Her hair is down as well. He went to pick up Saitou. His Hummer's being upgraded.  
  
Minutes later, a silver GTSR Viper pulls in next to Kaoru's Mercedes.  
  
KAORU: Hi sweetie.  
  
Kenshin comes out looking ultra-cool in a dark-blue shirt and black jeans. His pony tail is pulled tighter than usual and is held in place with a black leather band. His voice is notably deeper and sexier than usual as well. "Hey baby." He says leaning in for a quick kiss. Saitou comes out of the passenger seat and immediately lights up. Leaning over the side of Megumi's Corvette he gently blows smoke into her face.  
  
SAITOU: Here's smoke in your eyes, foxy.  
  
MEGUMI: (gently teasing) What would your wife say, captain?  
  
SAITOU: She's never been seen on this series, babe.  
  
AYAME: Well, everyone's here, now maybe we can get some work done?  
  
SANO: Sorry squirt, it's lunchtime, union rules.  
  
TAE: There's a new Thai restaurant a few blocks from here.  
  
YAHIKO: Last one there has to do a nude scene!  
  
SAITOU: (Looks at Megumi thoughtfully) hmm….  
  
MEGUMI: Forget it hotshot.  
  
The air is instantly filled with the sound of screeching brakes and the smell of burnt rubber. When the smoke clears, there is only one man standing in the lot wearing a dejected look on his face.  
  
DIRECTOR: Damn trade union slackers.  
  
************************************  
  
God, I have way too much time on my hands. Oh well.  
  
Hope it was funny for you as it was for me when I  
  
was laughing at myself for writing it. Please review.  
  
Selene.  
  
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	2. fanservice ahoy!

Behind the scenes at R.K.  
  
A fanfic.  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't sue.  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
The main cast has just returned from their lunch break and the Juppongatana and Oniwabanshu players have just arrived on the set. Everyone is getting dressed and ready for the shoot to begin.  
  
KAMATARI: (rifles through his things) Hey! Where in heck are my falsies? I can't go on without my falsies!  
  
CHOU: (nasty grin) I think the weasel borrowed 'em, Lord knows she could use the enhancement.  
  
MISAO: (from behind a dressing screen) I HEARD THAT!  
  
KAMATARI: Oh, here they are! (Fixes said items into place) There! That's more like it!  
  
KAORU: (struggles with the liquid eyeliner) Mou! I won't ever get this right, Kama-chan! Could you help me out here?  
  
KAMATARI: (carefully outlines his lips) Sure thing honey, I'll be there in a minute.  
  
DIRECTOR: (walks in and looks things over) Alright people, twenty minutes…Kamatari, you're supposed to be wearing the yukata today, not the kimono.  
  
KAMATARI: (wails) But it's UGLY!!!  
  
DIRECTOR: No buts. You're supposed to be mourning Shishio's death, not flossing on the streets of Kyoto.  
  
KAMATARI: It's still ugly.  
  
HIKO: Oh get over yourself girly-man, we all can't be as gorgeous all the time.  
  
KENSHIN: (muttering) Yeah, sometimes we've got to make you look good.  
  
HIKO: What was that?!  
  
KENSHIN: (feigning innocence) Oh, nothing.  
  
AOSHI: (walks in totally barebacked except for these kawaii black shorts that accent his best parts ::drool::) Hey, has anyone seen my yukata? I know it was draped over my chair a minute ago.  
  
TAE: Nope.  
  
AOSHI: Hm…guess I should keep looking.  
  
TAE: (shrugs) Guess so  
  
MEGUMI: (waits until Aoshi leaves the room) You have got to stop doing that someday you know, I mean he's dense, but not that dense.  
  
TAE: (hugs the 'missing' yukata to her chest) I know, but that was so worth it.  
  
MEGUMI: That does remind me though…(turns to Saitou and Kenshin) you two owe us a little fan service for losing that bet.  
  
SAITOU: (Makes a show of straightening his uniform) Now, now foxy. You know it would be OOC for me to strip in front of the cameras. (Points thumb at Kenshin) Him on the other hand…  
  
KENSHIN: Oro?!!  
  
MEGUMI: (shakes head) No dice hotshot, you BOTH lost so you BOTH strip, for ALL of us.  
  
KENSHIN: Kaoru honey, a little help here?  
  
KAORU: (tilting her face so Kamatari can apply blusher to her cheek) A bet's a bet anata.  
  
KENSHIN: (weakly) Sano?  
  
SANO: Sis is right man, you guys have your like, honor at stake.  
  
SAITOU: (muttering) Some friends you are!  
  
TAE: (nudges Megumi) How about we make this quick and painless? Say, you both streak across the lot at full speed around three-ish?  
  
KENSHIN: This is ridiculous!  
  
KAORU: Too bad, that doesn't sound like the wild-man I knew back in college…  
  
KENSHIN: (blushes) But that was a long time ago!  
  
KAORU: (smiles coquettishly) Too bad, that Kenshin was sooooo sexy.  
  
SAITOU: (detects a blush on Kenshin's cheek) Feh! Don't tell me that amateur seduction technique works on you?  
  
MEGUMI: (walks over and snuggles up to Saitou, tracing circles on his chest with her index finger) Oh come on Hajime, just a widdle flash?  
  
SAITOU: (tries hard to keep a stiff upper lip) No.  
  
MEGUMI: Pleeeeaaseee?  
  
SAITOU: (resolution slowly dissolving) No way.  
  
MEGUMI: purrrrr…  
  
***************************  
  
3:05pm, Sony Entertainment Studio's parking lot.  
  
  
  
TAE: Alright guys, everybody ready to rock?!  
  
TSUBAME: (pulls out the popcorn) Ready!  
  
MISAO: (settles into a more comfy position on the hood of Kaoru's car) Ready!  
  
TAE: Kaoru?! Megumi?!  
  
KAORU: (fiddles briefly with the C.D player in her car before giving the thumbs up sign)  
  
MEGUMI: (foxy smile) Ready!  
  
TAE: Cue music!!!  
  
KAORU: (presses the play button on her deck resulting in something similar to a sonic boom)  
  
MEGUMI, TAE, MISAO, TSUBAME & KAORU: (singing along with the music) ALL THE! SMALL THINGS! TRUE CARE! TRUTH BRINGS! I'LL TAKE! ONE LIFT! YOUR RIDE! BEST TRIP!  
  
KAMATARI: Okay guys that's you're cue!  
  
KENSHIN: (sighs) Only for you koishii…  
  
SAITOU: (blushing all the way up to his ears) This is so undignified…  
  
YAHIKO: Alright gentlemen, on your mark…  
  
One…  
  
Two…  
  
Three…  
  
GO!!!  
  
Both bishounnen streak across the lot like the devil is on their tail.  
  
WHOOSSHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
TSUBAME: (pouts) Aww… they went by too fast, I didn't see anything!  
  
MEGUMI: (fox-ears popping up) I kind of anticipated that…  
  
SAITOU: (from around the corner) What the?!  
  
KENSHIN: Oroooo!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
CRASH!!!!!!!  
  
EVERYONE EXCEPT MEGUMI:…?  
  
Two white blurs appear around the corner running as fast as they can.  
  
TSUBAME: Are those…?  
  
KAORU & MISAO: Feathers?  
  
TAE:…  
  
  
  
MUWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!  
  
****************************************  
  
KENSHIN: Women are scary man.  
  
SAITOU: (brushes feathers out of his hair) Tell me about it.  
  
KENSHIN: By the way, did you see something flash as we passed by?  
  
SAITOU: Maybe, why?  
  
KENSHIN: (paling) Um, didn't you give Megumi a digital camera for Christmas?  
  
SAITOU: (smiles at the memory) The best that money could buy…oh SHIT!!!  
  
MEGUMI: (on other side of lot) Ohohohohohoho!!!!!!!  
  
********************************************  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
I didn't really plan on writing a second chapter to this fic. It's just since people seemed to like it so much, I couldn't leave it as a one-shot anymore. Hope you liked it, don't forget to review and let me know if you want more!  
  
Kisses.  
  
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	3. survival of the fittest

Behind The Scenes at Rurouni Kenshin

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin so bugger off.

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_Survival of the fittest_

_The strong shall live the weak shall die._

_This is the fundamental law of nature. All life obeys this most singular, most powerful law._

"Gimme that!" 

"It's mine!"

"Don't make me hurt you!"

_Especially the ones who call the last wanton._

KENSHIN: Leggo!!!

SHISHIO: I called it!!!

KENSHIN: But I want it!!!

REST OF THE CAST: (sweat drop)

YUMI: You guys are like, so immature.

K & S: WHO ASKED YOU?!!

YUMI: (unaffected) What-ever! (Blows a large pink bubble with the gum she's been chewing.)

SANO: (sighs and cradles his chin in his hands as he watches Yumi's gorgeous mouth work around the gum.)

SHISHIO: (wanton forgotten for the moment) Hey! You keep your eyes to yourself tori atma!

KENSHIN: (seizes the opportunity to stuff the object of their dispute down his throat.) 

SHISHIO: Hey!!!

KENSHIN: (through full mouth) Snerfifel of da fittest Mum Ra!!!

SHISHIO: I'm gonna KILL you!!!

MISAO: (pops open one eye to watch the fight) Just don't get blood all over the place like last time, all right? This is my best mat!!!

YAHIKO: (who has been watching Misao with some apprehension for the past few minutes.) Umm… Misao? Why would you care? I mean, you are floating two full feet above it…

MISAO: (opens her other eye and looks down at the floor) Whoa…how'd that happen?

KAORU: (whispers to Megumi and Tae) Remind me…when exactly did she start practicing meditation?

MEGUMI: (stares at Misao as she arranges herself into a proper lotus while still in mid-air) Um…last week?

TAE: (double sweat drop) Talk about a fast learner…

AOSHI: (as clueless as ever) Hey Yumi, got any more gum?

YUMI: (tosses him a packet of her finest) 

TSUBAME: (watches as Aoshi pops said item in his mouth and begins to chew with slow, deliberate movements of his unusually attractive mouth)

YAHIKO: (notices Tsubame's phase-out) Um…Tsubame? (waves hand in front of her face) Yoo-hoo? Hellooo…?

AOSHI: (flicks his bottom lip with an unconscious movement of his quick, pink, tongue) 

TSUBAME: (Flushes, inhales sharply and grabs Yahiko's hand, then proceeds to drag him out of the actors lounge.) Um…we've gotta, that is, we'll be back in time for the next shoot! (Makes her hurried exit with Yahiko in tow.)

HIKO: Feh, teenagers! All hormones!

SAITOU: (brings his Coke can in front of his face) This from someone who pays more child-support than a desert sheik.

{If looks could kill, Saitou would have dropped dead on the spot.}

Suddenly, a girl of about ten with short, smooth brown hair barges in and practically throws her self in Sano's lap.

AYAME: Oh it's horrible! Horrible!

KAORU: (more than a little alarmed) Ayame! What's wrong!

AYAME: (lifts her tear-streaked face from the front of her big cousin's shirt) Suzume…she, she…

SANO: (using his rare gentle voice) She what Su-chan?

SUZUME: (sniffles and wipes her nose on the sleeve of her costume) The-the director said he was tired of the pranks you guys were playing on him and then Suzume walked in and he got this really scary look on his face and he started laughing and…

KENSHIN: (hands still firmly gripped around Shishio's throat) And what chibi-chan?

SUZUME: He…he…He made her his apprentice!!!

MEGUMI: (turns a whiter shade of pale) So you mean she's…she's...

SUZUME: (drops gaze to the floor and nods weakly) She's going to direct the rest of the Arc.

Everybody goes completely silent, even Misao stops her yogic flying as she brings her bottom to the floor with a soft thud. Quick footsteps can be heard outside of the door. They get louder and louder until they stop and the door opens with an ominous creak.

There, in the doorway, stands a diminutive figure wearing and all black dress with puffed sleeves and flared skirt with a matching black beret set at a rakish angle on her head. Her short pigtails are set high on her head and her brown eyes gleam with a wicked red light.

SUSUME: Heh-Heh. SHOWTIME!!!

**********************************************************

Author's notes:

Ta-da! I got the idea for the opening of this one last night while watching Spiderman for the first time. (It was nice, but don't let the hype spoil it for you.)

So what'cha think? Am I still funny or should I quit while I'm ahead? I won't know (or continue) if you don't **review**.

On a more serious note, the reason why I haven't been updating my fics lately is because a total stranger assaulted me on my way to work on Tuesday morning. What makes it worse is that I was in a taxi at the time full of other people including this sweet old lady who was sitting next to me in the car when the guy on the other side of me practically swooped in on me and tried to put his mouth on my ear. Needless to say, there was much swearing, I yelled at the driver to stop the car and I got the hell out of there. I walked the rest of the way in the rain because I was too scared to stop another taxi. What makes it disgusting is that I reported the incident to the police; giving them enough information to catch and cuff the creep they haven't done ANYTHING at all. Naturally, I'm scared out of my wits these days and fan fiction is not the first thing on my mind. My sympathy goes to anyone who's gone through similar (and worse). God I hate this.

Selene

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	4. the antichrist cometh

Behind The Scenes at Rurouni Kenshin

Disclaimer: I wish I owned Rurouni Kenshin, but unfortunately I don't.

**********************************************************************

Authoress sits cross-legged on the hood of Kenshin's silver ViperTM wearing a short black skirt, purple tank top and a pair of knee high leather boots. Her dark-brown eyes twinkle with mischief as she flips a lock of spiky purple hair out of her eyes.

Selene: 

            Hello again. Welcome back to my sick (but fun) little project. Last time we saw that the director, (who should really have a name, but unfortunately I can't read the Japanese credits to find that out), grew tired of our actors incessant tomfoolery,  (I love having a Thesaurus ^_^.) and to teach them a lesson that neither we nor them would likely soon forget, he put Suzume in charge of the taping of the Kyoto Arc.  Will our loveable pranksters be able to survive such a terrible blow?

Let's find out shall we?

************************************************************

MEGUMI: (scratches at her neck uncomfortably) This is horrible! And this fucking polyester suit is driving me nuts!!!

KAORU: (also itching away) At least you got the yellow one, she stuck me with this awful pink thing!

KENSHIN: This is so embarrassing!

MEGUMI: (slowly losing her grip on her patience and sanity) This is all your fault! If you guys hadn't super-glued the boss' butt to his chair he wouldn't have done this to us!

KENSHIN: Hey! At least I wasn't the one who put that fart-bomb in his car and those laxatives in his coffee!!!

KAORU: (stops scratching) That was you Meg? Good one!!!

KENSHIN: (goes chibi and flays arms about) Stop encouraging her!!!!!!!!!!

SHISHIO: (from somewhere beyond their line of sight) Are you CRAZY?!!!! I am NOT wearing that…that THING!!!

YUMI: (holds a bunny paw up to her mouth) Shhh…she'll hear you!

SHISHIO: (going schizophrenic) I don't care! If that little demon thinks she can make me make a fool of myself she's dead wrong! 

SUZUME: (appears out of nowhere) Care to bet money on that Shi-shi-chan?

SHISHIO: (trembling slightly) You can't do this to us Suzume, were paid professionals, not toys!

YUMI: (in small singsong voice) You're gonna be sorry…

SUZUME: (spooky-ass smile) If you don't like the bunny suit, we could always cast you as Charmander.

SHISHIO: That's it. Hirumoudama Flame Technique!!! 

 SUZUME: (unfazed) Oh Damien darling?

Suddenly a small boy with dark hair appears next to Suzume and points his finger at Shishio's oncoming flame, driving it right back to the source.

SHISHIO: What the…? NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! (Bursts into flames and dies)

YUMI: (quietly) Idiot.

MEGUMI: (out loud) Who the hell is that?

SUZUME: Oh, this is my half-brother Damien. We're going to be married someday! (Gives Damien a loving kiss on the cheek.)

MISAO: (from the corner where she'd been hiding with the rest of the cast) Is it just me, or did everyone wet their pants just now?

HIKO: (as white as a sheet) I want my Mommy.

SAITOU: (starts sucking on his thumb.)

SUZUME: (reluctantly looks away from her brother's loving gaze) Ok then, I trust that you've all memorized your scripts, shall we begin?

************************************************************

TELETUBBY KENSHIN: Thanks for tending my wounds Megumi-tubby.

TELETUBBY MEGUMI: Your welcome Ken-tubby, I'm (winces) so glad I could help you fix your boo-boos!

TELETUBBY KAORU: Oh thank you Megumi-tubby, I hate it when Kwenshin Tubby geds huwt on the pwayground. I wuv him so very much!!!  

TELETUBBY KENSHIN: (thinking to himself) _Okay, the baby voice is kinda turning me on._

TELETUBBY KAORU: Kwenshin-tubby no hentwai!!! (Kick!)

TELETUBBY KENSHIN: Oroooo….did I say that out loud de gozaru ka?

SUZUME: Your line, Saitou.

SAITOU: But it doesn't make any sense!

SUZUME: (hugs her brother lovingly)

SAITOU CHU-  Pi pika pi!

HIKO: Hey, wasn't I supposed to meet baka-deshi in the graveyard?

SUZUME: I changed it. Damien hates crucifixes.

YAHIKO: (whistling through his teeth) I wonder why….?

SUZUME: What was that?!

YAHIKO: Squritle! Squirtle!

SUZUME: (smiles) Better.

MEGUMI: (in English accent) We're all going to die down here.

KENSHIN- (whispers) Don't you worry, I already sent for some help.

Just then, a cute little readhead wearing blue short-shorts and a yellow tank top with suspenders bursts in and unceremoniously throws some clear liquid on both Damien and Suzume.

DAMIEN: HISSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SUZUME: Oh it's burning me!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!

MISTY: Copyright infringement does not pay.

DAMIEN & SUZUME: (melting) You bitch!!! You'll pay for this!!!

MISTY: Whatever. The next time one of you tries this I'll make Gabriel kick your ass.

DAMIEN & SUZUME: (Die with much swearing)

KENSHIN- Good work Misty!

MISTY- (flashes the peace sign) No sweat uncle Ken! It's a good thing we had this stuff for the Ghastly episode we're taping today!

KAORU: What was that stuff? Acid?

MISTY: (smiles) Holy water!

YAHIKO: I should have known.

MEGUMI: Anybody else want to go slash the director's tires with me?

KAORU: I'm game!

KENSHIN- Me too!

SAITOU: (sharpens sword)

YAHIKO: Count us in!

MEGUMI: Great! Hey Kenshin? Got any more of that superglue?

**************************************************************************

Life in Stalkerville.

(Otherwise known as authors notes)

Thank you so very much to the people who expressed their sympathy over my current situation, namely Le Bleu Phoenix,  Battousai-angel, Takato Taikashi and Sage. I'm just sorry I bummed you guys out with my problem. The police as expected have done nothing but scratch themselves and turn over a few times as to avoid getting bedsores. I plan to send them a box of "chocolate" donuts as a thank you gift for all their hard work ^_^. Actually I would get arrested once they got out of the john if I did that, but hey! It's fun to think about ne?

Instead I've given myself a few crash courses in self defense and I try to go out alone as little as possible. It's sad, but it's survival. I don't think about as much as I did at first. As for Sage's suggestion, I wish there were a taxi company to complain to, but on the ass end of the Caribbean there aren't any. Each driver is self-employed and a union member which leaves me to defend myself. The popping in the mouth thing is right up me alley though -_^. Don't worry about me guys, I'm tough!

And the comedy mustn't ever stop! So leave a review suggesting what you think of this chapter and what should happen next!

Ja!

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	5. is this a barbershop?

Behind The Scenes at Rurouni Kenshin

Disclaimer: I wish I owned Rurouni Kenshin, but unfortunately I don't.

**********************************************************************

Authoress playfully tugs at a brownish-blonde curl of her hair, twisting it this way and that with a most unholy grin on her honey-brown face as her attention is clearly focused on something close by other than her audience.

Selene: Oh yeah…work it baby!

A half-naked Aoshi starts and looks around his dressing room briefly before shrugging it off and proceeding to strip down to his butt-hugging navy blue boxers.

Selene: (makes the sign of the cross in the air over Aoshi's butt) Mm Hm! Bless him….Oh! Um….wow. How'd you guys get here so damn fast?! (Coughs lightly into her fist) 

Well, just when you thought the madness was over, I come right back again. Just like Chucky, only funnier and with better hair! (Dramatic pose a la Hiko)

On to the blasphemy!

**********************************************************************

The taping of the Kyoto arc is finally over, right down to the last post arc filler, and our vict…ah, I mean heroes are now back in studio once more for the taping of the Shimabara Arc. For once in creation everyone is early, everyone except a certain prima-donna that is.

Director: Has anyone seen that new chick Sayo anywhere? We're all set to go except for her.

KAORU: Who? Princess Attitude? I wouldn't be sorry if she didn't show up at all!

MEGUMI: Kao's right. Why did we have to cast her anyway? She'll just start bitching as soon as she gets here and we'll lose a half-day's film because of it!

SANO: Whoa, girls. What's so wrong with the new chick? She can't be all that bad, she's all, you know…hot!

KAORU: (Glare of DeathTM) Sano, you let your trouser-snake do anymore talking and he's going to have some serious pain issues.

SANO: (Cringe)

KENSHIN: This once, I'll have to go with the girls. I knew that woman in college and she was a Grade-A Biatch.

Everyone stares at Kenshin in silence.

KENSHIN: Well, it's true!  
  
AOSHI: Given, but coming from you it's just…vulgar dude.

SHOUGOU: Wow Shinomori, you been sleeping on the dictionary again?

AOSHI: (Bristles slightly) Watch it college-boy.

SLAM!!! Click! Click! Click! Click!  
  
MEGUMI: (muttering under her breath) The skank approacheth….

DIRECTOR: Good morning Sa…  
  
SAYO: (pushes open palm in the director's face as she passes) Save it.

SLAM!!!

MISAO: (sage-like calmness) What anger, what…pain…

KAORU: Yeah, in the ass.  
  
From inside Sayo's dressing-room: WTF?!!!  
  


SLAM!!!

AOSHI: That is getting like, so old…  
  
SAYO: (Moves her neck around like a contortionist as she yells) Who. (swerve) Drank. (swing) My. (shimmy) Evian?!!

MEGUMI: Oh boy! Here we go….

SAYO: (focuses on the object of her ridicule) What did you say?!!

MEGUMI: (Gives Sayo the finger)

DIRECTOR: (Seeing the potential for nuclear meltdown, tries to make peace.) Now, now Sayo-chan, maybe it just evaporated.

SAYO: It. Did not. Evaporate. And I ain't your fsking chan!!!

MISAO: (places hand gently on Sayo's shoulder) Ah-ah, violence begets nothing but more sorrow.

SAYO: (violent shrug) Don't fsking touch me! I don't want your funky-ass advice, you Gandhi wannabe!

MISAO: (Benign smile tightens) I…forgive you for that.

KAORU: God, you are such a potty mouth Sayo! Stop cussing!!!

SHOUGOU: You guys are so ignorant! The word is "cursing" Kamiya, you can use more than one consonant per word you know!

KAORU: (Whips around so fast she breaks the sound barrier) Look you stuck-up asshole, just because we didn't all go to English Colleges that does not make you any better than us! 

MEGUMI: That's right!  
  
SAYO: Like you ever passed anything without your extra credits.

MEGUMI: (Pause. Sloooow turn) Heifer say what?!!

SAYO: (Inviting death) You. Heard. Me.

MISAO: (Smile gets so tight she's starting to look like a facelift commercial)  Sayo-san that was really cruel, I think you should apologize.

SAYO: (Narrows eyes) Butt out, you diet-pill refugee!

There's a an audible pop, before an enraged Misao jumps on Sayo and proceeds rip out her hair extensions and then strangle her with them.

MISAO: DIE BITCH!!!  
  
DIRECTOR: (Looks like he's having a heart-attack)

MEGUMI: Yeah! Kick that stick ALL the way up her ass!!!

SHOUGOU: Yeah, look at that! You guys sure have a lot to be proud of!

AOSHI: Shougou?

SHOUGOU: Yeah, Brain-Surgeon?

POW!!!

SHOUGOU: My nose! My fsking nose!!!

AOSHI: You know, this project just might be a lot of fun.

KENSHIN: (Grin) I know what you mean.

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Author's Note:

Barbershop ownz joo.

I remember practicing that neck-thing when I was in primary school, we used to call it "The Peacock"  ^_^.  Fortunately it never stuck, but I still admire the sisters who have perfected the art of the well placed neck-swing.

Please note this was only written in pure fun, for people who don't raise foliage in their rectum. So, if you were offended….um, too damn bad?

Review Please!

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